Here is what has been on my mind for a short while... What happened to me that allowed me to stop caring about myself and my physical well being?
I look over my life and honestly can not think of a single event or circumstance that could have lead me to 251 pounds of self loathing.
I was teased relentlessly in grade school because when I started there in grade 2 I was a troublemaker in every true sense of the word. No matter how much throughout the next 6 years I tried to change their thinking it did not work. I was always the troublemaker. So, was it an issue of not fitting it that made me eat? I was heavier than most of the girls in my class but not the heaviest. There were a few girls more heavy then I and they were not teased as I was but they were tough. They would have kicked the hell out anyone who teased them.. Me? Never, I was too busy trying to get everyone to like me to yell back or tell them off. I attribute some of that meekness to not having siblings. I had no one to argue with or learn come backs from. I mean sure I could argue with my parents but come on their parents they always win. I was at a disadvantage when it came to getting the bullies back. So I coward. I allowed them to miss treat me because I was too afraid to stand up for myself. I left grade 8 with a feeling of independence because I chose to attend a different highschool than the rest of the kids were going to. I wanted a fresh start where the demons of my past would not haunt me. I loved highschool. I was finally excepted for who I was. In grade 10 I was 163 pounds and I went on the Dare to be Trim program and in 9 months I was down to 127 pounds. Man was I ever thin. I felt so good about myself. Then in grade 11 I started dating a boy, a boy I had dated on and off since grade 9 and he was trouble.. He wreaked havoc on my self esteem but he was so charming. Even my parents fell for him. They moved him in when his parents had had enough. Well we would bake all the time. Pancakes, cookies, rice krispie squares etc. There went all my hard work. By the end of grade 12 I was back up to 160 pounds. I still felt good though and did not really let it bother me too much. We ended up breaking up after about the third time he attempted suicide becausHere is what has been on my mind for a short while... What happened to me that allowed me to stop caring about myself and my physical well being?I look over my life and honestly can not think of a single event or circumstance that could have led me to 251 pounds of self loathing.I was teased relentlessly in grade school because when I started there in grade 2 I was a troublemaker in every true sense of the word. No matter how much throughout the next 6 years I tried to change their thinking it did not work. I was always the troublemaker. So, was it an issue of not fitting it that made me eat so much? I was heavier than most of the girls in my class but not the heaviest. There were a few girls more heavy then I and they were not teased as I was; but they were tough. They would have kicked the hell out anyone who teased them.. Me? Never, I was too busy trying to get everyone to like me to yell back or tell them off. I attribute some of that meekness to not having siblings. I had no one to argue with or learn come backs from. I mean sure I could argue with my parents but come on their parents they always win. I was at a disadvantage when it came to getting the bullies back. So I was a coward. I allowed them to miss treat me because I was too afraid to stand up for myself. I left grade 8 with a feeling of independence because I chose to attend a different high school than the rest of the kids were going to. I wanted a fresh start where the demons of my past would not haunt me. I loved high school. I was finally accepted for who I was. In grade 10 I was 163 pounds and I went on the Dare to be Trim program and in 9 months I was down to 127 pounds. Man was I ever thin. I felt so good about myself. Then in grade 11 I started dating a boy, a boy I had dated on and off since grade 9 and he was trouble. He wreaked havoc on my self esteem but he was so charming. Even my parents fell for him. They moved him in when his parents had had enough. We would bake all the time, pancakes, cookies, and Rice Krispy squares etc. There went all my hard work. By the end of grade 12 I was back up to 160 pounds. I still felt good though and did not really let it bother me too much. We ended up breaking up after about the third time he attempted suicide because of something I would not do for him. When I started college I was the baby in the class. I chose to go to a business college because I wanted to be out of school fast. I was not interested in the "college scene" and wanted to be in the workforce. In college I gained about 20 pounds and I ballooned to 213 pounds before my doctor put me on Ionamin and Ponderal. The wonder drugs helped me to loose 50 pounds. Then a long time friendship I had ended badly and I grieved a very long time for that friendship. I stayed at home in my jammies and ate and ate and ate. The thing with me is that I have no self control. If I start eating something that tastes good I can't stop till it is gone. It is a compulsion of mine. So from 1998-2005 I allowed myself to gain 95 pounds.
Adam told me the other day that it is because I am an emotional eater. I have to agree with him I mean I eat when I am happy, sad, bored and angry. The big question is how do I stop this self abusive cycle? How can I learn to express myself without food? I know that I have an advantage being that my pouch will not hold a ton of food but, I want to break the habit of turning to food for support.