I am wearing a size 12 skirt today. It does run a bit big, but all in all it is still a size 12. I am so happy about my achievements. We went to do our taxes this weekend... I am getting back 270 and Adam is getting back 1200. We are happy about that since we both tried to do our own and I had myself paying 850 and Adam had himself paying 4000. Thank-God for H&R Block, that's all I have to say. So we went to Reitmans with my refund and I tried on a pair of size 13 pants that look awesome on and a really pretty green sweater top that is size lg. It is such a nice outfit.

I always wanted to be in a stage production. While I have aspirations to play Eliza Doolittle from My Fair Lady I have never been confident enough to audition for as much as the chorus. Well I am no longer living in fear of my own life. I am going to be auditioning for the local theater in our community for their fall production of Damn Yankees. I want my voice in the best shape for when I go to audition so I called the vocal coach I had when I was in high school and she said she would be happy to help me warm up my voice. The director said that it does not matter what song I choose for the audition; I am still unsure what to choose so will ask my coach once we have had a few sessions. The audition is in May so for now it is just practise, practise, practise. I will be auditioning for the chorus. I think I should start out smaller than work my way up once I have a few productions under my belt. I have seen a few of this companies shows and I have always been very impressed with what they have done, their shows are always so well put together and professional. I can not wait to be part of their cast. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Anyway nothing else is new... I have 35.5 pounds left to go and I am so excited to get there. The sooner I get there the sooner I can have a baby. Come on 135!!!

As always I reacted. I am fine. This month it looks like I achieved a 6 pound weight loss. Not too shabby. I know it is going to slow down some now that I am so close. That is the practical side of me that says that. On the other hand the impatient impractical side of me wakes up every morning wondering why there is still 37 pounds to go? why did I not just wake up and have that weight gone forever? Ok reality check woma. 37 pounds did not come on over night so it's not going anywhere overnight.
I have noticed a big inches loss this month with the aqua training I have been doing. My arms, thighs and buttocks are tighter and therefore appear smaller. I am happy about that. I hope the instructor starts another one after this one is through.
I have been fighting a cold for about a month now. It started the middle of January went away for a bit and feels like it is coming back. I can't take time off at work because we are so short staffed it's not even funny. I hope I feel better soon.
When I had the ova retrieval done they found that I had a cyst on my right ovary but I had totally forgot about unitl Sunday I was having such horrible cramping on my right side then Monday and Tuesday I had some bleeding and was pissed off because we had some good baby dancing this cycle and the hopefull (pathetic) in me thought maybe we had a chance then with the middle cycle bleeding I got discouraged. Of coarse Adam thought it was inplantation bleeding even though it was 2 past ovulation. Always the optomist. LOL. Then I remembered about the cyst and emailed the clinic to see what side the cyst was on, they confirmed the right side and that it could very welll have ruptured. I went to see my GP yesterday and she is sending me for an ultrasound on Wednesday, just to check it out. No one seems worried and I am really not either. Woman have cysts rupture all the time and are fine. I will keep you posted.
I had a good session with Dr Frenchy, we always have some good laughs. He makes me feel validated which I like.
One of the members from the support group had his surgery yesterday. It went really well he is feeling good and has very little pain. In fact the doctor offered to send him home today. I am very happy for him. He is a single guy and I think he is very brave to have this surgery done. I admire him for his strength.

I was so put together when I wrote that post the other day and while I still feel that way I have to rant...
I started Weight Watchers online last Wednesday just so that I could make myself more accountable for the choices I make. I have been doing really well. Tracking everything I am eating and being honest with myself. On Wednesday when I got on the scale I weighed 175, Thursday 174, Friday 173 and Saturday 172.5. I was extremly happy as I am sure you can understand. Yesterday I got on the scale and it read 174.5 I thought ok don't panic it could be anything. Today 175??? I don't understand. Now I know you're going to say why are you getting weighed everyday? Well that's an easy answer for me... I am addicted to the numbers. LOL. I just feel like I take 1 step forward then 2 steps back. I have been doing a lot of lunges, squats, and other such leg exercises but that's just since Saturday. Honestly, I don't think I gained that much muscle in that short length of time.
Anyway, I just wanted to rant. I am still very happy with accomplishments I have made in my life in the past 6 months and I will try very hard to NOT GET ON THE SCALE until Thursday. LOL.

I have come to terms with my weight loss and with the issues surrounding my weight gains and losses over the years.
I know that those demons from my past can longer haunt if I don't allow them too and that I am not the frieghtened little girl I once was. I am now a strong, brave and likeable woman.
I don't have to prove myself to anyone and I don't feel like I have to please anyone in order for them to like me. I am who I am and I can either be accepted or not.
I will no longer live in fear of the unknown.
I am a great person and the people I have in my life right now are the people I have chosen to be in my life. They are all wonderful, wholesome, rich individuals who make me strive to be a better person. Those are the people I value and want in my life.
I am no longer afraid I will gain my weight back because it is a choice I am not going to allow myself to make.
I will start each day anew and make the best choices I can for that day. I will not obsess over the choices I make or choose not to make and I will deal with the consequences of those choices. I will no longer tell myself the choices I make are Bad I will make wise choices or I won't. That's it. I am in control of my past, my present and my future and I will take responsibility for each step of my life.
I am taking back the power in my life.
Look out world here I come.

This is neat take a minute and check it out. I am building my own Johari window and would love to see what you think of me.
Thanks

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Mrs+Weble

Friday we went to Staples after work because Adam needed to buy a clip board. We found it right away 19.99 and exactly what he wanted. We then decided to look at a computer. They had one sale. A Compac Presario so we decided to buy it. Oh MY God I love it. It is so awesome. So $1500 later we now are the proud owners of a new computer. We upgraded to the 19 inch flat screen monitor and bought speakers with a sub woofer then we needed to get a computer desk a mouse pad, some paper, some cd's etc. Anyway we were like two kids in a candy store and could not wait to get home to set it up . It looks great in our dining room. Adam also bought a new game for it on Saturday so he has been playing that.
On the weight loss front I have moved on from my plateau which I am happy to report. I now have 40 pounds left to loose. I am so happy with how things have progressed with my weight loss. Adam is down 95 pounds and he looks great. My mom is down about 50 and we can really start to see the difference. She feels great too.

Here is what has been on my mind for a short while... What happened to me that allowed me to stop caring about myself and my physical well being?
I look over my life and honestly can not think of a single event or circumstance that could have lead me to 251 pounds of self loathing.
I was teased relentlessly in grade school because when I started there in grade 2 I was a troublemaker in every true sense of the word. No matter how much throughout the next 6 years I tried to change their thinking it did not work. I was always the troublemaker. So, was it an issue of not fitting it that made me eat? I was heavier than most of the girls in my class but not the heaviest. There were a few girls more heavy then I and they were not teased as I was but they were tough. They would have kicked the hell out anyone who teased them.. Me? Never, I was too busy trying to get everyone to like me to yell back or tell them off. I attribute some of that meekness to not having siblings. I had no one to argue with or learn come backs from. I mean sure I could argue with my parents but come on their parents they always win. I was at a disadvantage when it came to getting the bullies back. So I coward. I allowed them to miss treat me because I was too afraid to stand up for myself. I left grade 8 with a feeling of independence because I chose to attend a different highschool than the rest of the kids were going to. I wanted a fresh start where the demons of my past would not haunt me. I loved highschool. I was finally excepted for who I was. In grade 10 I was 163 pounds and I went on the Dare to be Trim program and in 9 months I was down to 127 pounds. Man was I ever thin. I felt so good about myself. Then in grade 11 I started dating a boy, a boy I had dated on and off since grade 9 and he was trouble.. He wreaked havoc on my self esteem but he was so charming. Even my parents fell for him. They moved him in when his parents had had enough. Well we would bake all the time. Pancakes, cookies, rice krispie squares etc. There went all my hard work. By the end of grade 12 I was back up to 160 pounds. I still felt good though and did not really let it bother me too much. We ended up breaking up after about the third time he attempted suicide becausHere is what has been on my mind for a short while... What happened to me that allowed me to stop caring about myself and my physical well being?I look over my life and honestly can not think of a single event or circumstance that could have led me to 251 pounds of self loathing.I was teased relentlessly in grade school because when I started there in grade 2 I was a troublemaker in every true sense of the word. No matter how much throughout the next 6 years I tried to change their thinking it did not work. I was always the troublemaker. So, was it an issue of not fitting it that made me eat so much? I was heavier than most of the girls in my class but not the heaviest. There were a few girls more heavy then I and they were not teased as I was; but they were tough. They would have kicked the hell out anyone who teased them.. Me? Never, I was too busy trying to get everyone to like me to yell back or tell them off. I attribute some of that meekness to not having siblings. I had no one to argue with or learn come backs from. I mean sure I could argue with my parents but come on their parents they always win. I was at a disadvantage when it came to getting the bullies back. So I was a coward. I allowed them to miss treat me because I was too afraid to stand up for myself. I left grade 8 with a feeling of independence because I chose to attend a different high school than the rest of the kids were going to. I wanted a fresh start where the demons of my past would not haunt me. I loved high school. I was finally accepted for who I was. In grade 10 I was 163 pounds and I went on the Dare to be Trim program and in 9 months I was down to 127 pounds. Man was I ever thin. I felt so good about myself. Then in grade 11 I started dating a boy, a boy I had dated on and off since grade 9 and he was trouble. He wreaked havoc on my self esteem but he was so charming. Even my parents fell for him. They moved him in when his parents had had enough. We would bake all the time, pancakes, cookies, and Rice Krispy squares etc. There went all my hard work. By the end of grade 12 I was back up to 160 pounds. I still felt good though and did not really let it bother me too much. We ended up breaking up after about the third time he attempted suicide because of something I would not do for him. When I started college I was the baby in the class. I chose to go to a business college because I wanted to be out of school fast. I was not interested in the "college scene" and wanted to be in the workforce. In college I gained about 20 pounds and I ballooned to 213 pounds before my doctor put me on Ionamin and Ponderal. The wonder drugs helped me to loose 50 pounds. Then a long time friendship I had ended badly and I grieved a very long time for that friendship. I stayed at home in my jammies and ate and ate and ate. The thing with me is that I have no self control. If I start eating something that tastes good I can't stop till it is gone. It is a compulsion of mine. So from 1998-2005 I allowed myself to gain 95 pounds.
Adam told me the other day that it is because I am an emotional eater. I have to agree with him I mean I eat when I am happy, sad, bored and angry. The big question is how do I stop this self abusive cycle? How can I learn to express myself without food? I know that I have an advantage being that my pouch will not hold a ton of food but, I want to break the habit of turning to food for support.